This is where I put up anything
that has to do with sex, implied or stated.
[ > Page 1 < | Page 2 | Page 3 ]
A young American Indian goes
up to his father Wild Wind and asks him, "Father, why is my sister called
Riding Horse?" "Because, my son, she was conceived while we were
riding a horse." The boy considers this for a moment and then
asks, "Father, why is my brother called Fearless Snake?" "Because he
was conceived just after your mother and I had stopped running from
an angry snake, my son." The boy's father looks at him curiously and
eventually asks, "But why all these questions, Broken Condom?"
Sex Education
BIRDS AND THE BEES
My mother told my father
to tell me about the birds and the bees. He took me to Coney Island,
pointed to a couple making love under the boardwalk, and said, "Your
mother wants you to know that the birds and the bees do the same thing."
--George Burns
NO HOMEWORK
A unit in sex education was
about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in
order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher,
"My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."
SEX EDUCATION
"Mom, I'm pregnant." "How
can that be? What did I tell you about sex?" "That I should take measures.
That's what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest."
SEX EDUCATION
"Sex education has its own
special problems," an instructor in the field pointed out to me. "One
of my students has become pregnant, and I don't know whether to flunk
her or give her extra credit."
Confucious says about
sex:
- Man with hand in pocket feel cocky
all day.
- Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
- It is good for girl to meet boy in
park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
- Man who jizz in cash register come
into money.
- Man who drop watch in toilet have
shitty time.
- Man who fart in church must sit in
own pew.
- Man who finger girl having period
get caught red handed.
- Man trapped in pantry have ass in
jam.
- Baseball wrong--man with four balls
cannot walk.
- Man who eat many prunes get good
run for money.
- Man who go to bed with itchy butt
wake up with smelly finger.
- Learn to masturbate--cum in hand-y.
- Woman who pounce on dead rooster
go down on limp cock.
- Man who buy drowned cat must pay
for wet pussy.
- Virgin like balloon--one prick, all
gone.
A guy in a balaclava bursts
into a sperm bank with a shotgun. 'Open the fucking safe' he yells at
the girl behind the counter.' But we're not a real bank' she replies,
'we don't have any money, this is a sperm bank' 'Don't argue,
open the fucking safe or I'll blow your head off' says the guy with
the gun. She obliges and once she's opened the safe door
the guy says 'Take out one of the bottles and drink it.' 'But
it's full of sperm!' she replies nervously. 'Don't argue, just drink
it' he says. She prises the cap off and gulps it down.
'Take out another one and drink it too' he demands. She takes out another
and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava
and to the girl's amazement it's her husband. 'There,' he says 'it's
not that fucking difficult is it!?!"
Condoms(what a large
selection of them):
- Nike Condoms: Just do it.
- Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
- Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right
one, baby.
- Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you
can't stop.
- Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
- Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack:
Ten millon strong and growing.
- Secret Condoms: Strong enough for
a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.
- Macintosh Condoms: It does more,
it costs less, its that simple.
- Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
- Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
- Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you
use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
- New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey--
you never know.
- California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
- Avis Condoms: Trying harder than
ever.
- KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
- Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real
Thing.
- Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just
one.
- Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
- The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't
get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...
- General Electric: We bring good things
to life!
- AT&T condom: "Reach out and touch
someone."
- Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
- Microsoft: where do you want to go
today ?
- Energizer: It keeps going and going
and going....
- M&M condom: "It melts in your
mouth, not in your hands!"
- Chevron: use them? people do.
- Taco Bell: get some; make a run for
the border
- MCI: for friends and family
- Double Mint: Double your pleasure,
double your fun!
- The Sears latex condom: One coat
is good for the entire winter
- Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's
ready when you are
- United Airlines travel pack: Fly
United
- The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go
Where No Man Has Gone Before
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS
PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
- Cover your stump before you hump
- Before you attack her, wrap your
whacker
- Don't be silly, protect your willy
- When in doubt, shroud your spout
- Don't be a loner, cover your boner
- You can't go wrong if you shield
your dong
- If you're not going to sack it, go
home and whack it
- If you think she's spunky, cover
your monkey
- If you slip between her thighs, be
sure to condomize
- It will be sweeter if you wrap your
peter
- She won't get sick if you wrap your
dick
- If you go into heat, package your
meat
- While you're undressing venus, dress
up your penis
- When you take off her pants and blouse,
slip up your trouser mouse
- Especially in December, gift wrap
your member
- Never, never deck her with an unwrapped
pecker
- Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
- The right selection will protect
your erection
- Wrap it in foil before checking her
oil
- A crank with armor will never harm
her
- No glove, no love!
THE
CREATION OF A PUSSY
Seven wise men with knowledge
so fine, created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with
smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong
and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall
and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short
and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty
as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose
name was McGee, touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor, dirty
little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.
............TO MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten
days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more
often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed,the activity was not satisfactory
because
6 times you just layed there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was
afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons
you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc.on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because
you missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about
the crack in the ceiling, what I said was ,"would you prefer me on my
back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted
and I was trying to breathe.
"The Gift"
A young man wanted to purchase
a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating
very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves
would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied
by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought
a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties
for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the
sister got the gloves
and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents,
the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with
the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not
in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If
it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with
the buttons, but she
wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade,
but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing
for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her
try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there
to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will
come in
contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you
take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as
they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think
how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope
you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love."
"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little
fur showing." This letter originated at Ricks College in Rexburg, Idaho.
It brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.
Top Ten Reasons That
Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex:
- Guaranteed to get at least a little
something in the sack.
- If you get tired, wait ten minutes
and go at it again.
- The uglier you look, the easier it
is to get some.
- You don't have to compliment the
person who gave it to you.
- Person you are with doesn't fantasize
you're someone else.
- If you get a stomach ache, it won't
last nine months.
- If you wear a Bill Clinton mask,
no one thinks you're kinky.
- Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning
and groaning.
- Less guilt the next morning.
- If you don't get what you want, you
can always go next door!
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed
someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned
around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding
none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day
she went
into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again
on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit,
but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every
morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found
the
same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger
than the previous day's word. Finally, one day, she walked in,
expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead,
found the words:
"The more you rub it, the
bigger it gets!"...... aahahahhahahhahahahhh
Do you remember middle
school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about
'the bases' with your friends?
"Yeah man, at the dance,
X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!" Well that
was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing?
Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively
more intense as you got older. What's a person to do? Here, we mourn
the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describe sexual activity.
But let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and
age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex
metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with
standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the Bases.
First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.
- -- First Base-- This was almost always
kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands.
Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.
- --Second Base-- Variously this meant
tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.
- --Third Base-- Usually this was a
hand down the pants of you or your partner.
- --Home Run-- This was ALWAYS sex,
although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer
to it in terms of bases.
Well that system is ok, if
you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens
when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as
oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted
to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado...
Standardized Guide to
the Bases!
- --On Deck-- Having plans for a date
- --Strike-Out-- Duh!!
- --Walk-- Kissing
- --Bunt-- >> Masturbation
- --Single-- Tongue kissing
- --Double-- Breasts/chest touched,
some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels
- --Triple-- Most of the clothes off,
genital contact, mutual masturbation
- --Inside the park home run-- Oral
Sex
- --Home Run-- SEX!
- --Ground Rule Double-- would have
sex, but no condom
- --Error-- Condom breaks during sex
- --Banned for life for gambling--
sex without condom
- --Hall of Fame-- Marriage
Now that we've got the
basics, let's introduce some terms to better explain all the things
that can happen now a days.
- --Balk-- Premature ejaculation
- --Pine Tar-- KY jelly
- --Relief pitcher-- Vibrator
- --Rain Delay-- parents/roommate return
home unexpectedly
- --Box Seats-- Waterbed
- --Seventh Inning Stretch-- Unusual
positions
- --Rookie-- Virgin
- --Minor Leagues-- Under 18
- --Loaded Bases-- manage a trois
- --Grand Slam-- Sex four times in
twelve hours
- --Foul tip-- VD
- --Three up and three down-- impotency
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the
old confusion with current clarity.
- OLD WAY- "We, um, got to third base
I guess and then we, um, got like past third base, but not to home
plate. I really like her.
- NEW WAY- First, there was a triple,
then we got an inside the park home run, and I started thinking,
it's hall of fame time.
- NEW WAY- So there I was with the
bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning
stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher. Well, there you have
it, I hope it has cleared up a lot of the confusion and helps you
out...
THE 10 MOST IMPORTANT
PEOPLE IN A WOMAN'S LIFE
- The Doctor because he says,"Take
off your clothes"
- The Dentist because he says,"Open
Wide"
- The hairdresser because he says,"Do
you want it teased or blown" >
- The Milkman because he says,"Do you
want it in front or in back?"
- The Interior Decorator because he
says,"Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
- The Banker because he says,"If you
take it out to soon, you'll lose interest"
- The Police Officer because he says,"Spread
'em"
- The Mailman because he always delivers
his package.
- The Pilot because he takes off fast
and then slows down.
- The Hunter because he always goes
deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
The kindergarten class had
a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate
it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids
to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes
could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnny walked
up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small
white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't
figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting,
so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period" reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that" she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Beats me !" said Johnny, "But this morning when my sister said she
missed one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next
door shot himself."
A DoG cALLeD *SeX*
Everybody i know who has
a dog usually calls him *rover* or *spot*..i called mine *sex*..now
sex has been very embarrassing to me..when i went to the city hall to
renew the dog's license for sex..i told the clerk i'd like a license
for sex..he said.. "i would like to have one too!"..then i said.. "she
is a dog!!"..he said he didnt care what she looked like..i said.. "you
don't understand..i had sex since i was 9 years old."..he replied..
"you must have been quite a strong boy." when i decided to get married..i
told the minister that i would like to have sex at the weddimg..he told
me to wait until after the wedding was over..i said.. "but sex has played
a big part in my life and my life revolves around sex."..he said he
didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in
his church..i told him everybody would like having sex at the wedding..the
next day..we were married at the justice of peace..my family is barred
from the church then on.. when my wife and i went on out honeymoon..i
took the dog with me..when we checked into the motel, i told the clerk
that i wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for sex..he
said every room in the motel is a place for sex..i said.. "you don't
understand..sex keeps me awake at night.."..the clerk said.. "me too!"
one day i entered sex in a contest..but before the competition began..sex
ran away..another contestant asked me why i was just looking around..i
told him that i was going to have sex in the contest..he said that i
should have sold my own tickets.. "you don't understand!!"..i said.."i
hoped to have sex on TV!!".. he called me a show off.. when my wife
and i seperated..we went to court to fight for custody of the dog..i
said.. "your honor..i had sex before i was married..but sex left me
after i was married..".. the judge said.. "me too!!" last night..sex
ran off again..i spent hours looking all over for her..a cop came over
and asked me what i was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning..i
said.. "i'm looking for sex..".. my case comes up next thursday.. well..now
i have been thrown in jail..been divorced..and had more damn troubles
with that dog than i ever foresaw..why..just the other day when i went
for my first session with my psychiatrist..she asked me.. "what seems
to be the trouble?"..i replied.. "sex has been my best friend all of
my life..but now it has left me forever..i couldn't live any longer..so
lonely.."..and the doctor said.. "look mister..you should understand
sex isn't a man's best friend..so get yourself a dog.."
Do you remember Junior High
and High School? Do you remember talking about "the bases" with your
friends? Well, forget 'em!! This is
*FOOTBALL*
With the all-new standardized
guide to football, you can forget any of the previous complications
of having to remember the difference between second and third base and
all that other shit. And you wonder why there is a strike in baseball
and not in football. Quite simply, baseball is a boring, confusing and
often ambiguous game, especially when trying to compare it to sexual
experiences,whereas football was invented for the soul purpose of understanding
where you and your friends are at. Basically the game of football is
one big sex metaphor.
No one has discovered this
yet, but as you will soon see, the complications of modern romance are
easily solved using....
The Original Handbook Of
Football!
WHERE YOU ARE ON THE PLAYING
FIELD
(If you're not on the field, get on the field!!!)
- YOUR 10 Yard Line ....... Holding
Hands
- 20 Yard Line ...................
Hugging
- 30 Yard Line ...................
Kiss on the Cheek
- 40 Yard Line ...................
Kiss on the Lips
- 50 Yard Line ...................
Tongue Kissing (Serious Territory)
- His/Her 40 Yard Line ...... Shirt
or Bra Off
- 30 Yard Line .................. All
Clothes Off
- 20 Yard Line .................. ORAL
SEX (Getting or Giving)
- 1ST AND GOAL ........... Put on the
Condom
- GOAL LINE .................. TOUCHDOWN
(SEXUAL INTERCOURSE)
NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE ON THE
FIELD HERE ARE SOME IMPORTANT DEFINITIONS TO HELP YOU EXPLAIN HOW
YOU GOT THERE.
- Kickoff ................. Making
the first move (asking for a date)
- Kicking It Deep .... Asking out a
virgin (you'll be starting out deep in your own end)
- On-Side Kick ....... Asking out a
slut (starting near midfield; on-side kicks are good if they work,
but are risky)
- Kick Return .......... How far you
get on the first date.
NOW THAT YOU'VE ASKED HER OUT AND WENT
ON THE FIRST DATE, THE KICKOFF IS OVER AND THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS.
HERE'S SOME MORE DEFINITIONS FOR YOU.
- Downs ................... An attempt
to get more yards (get further with her)
- In Canada you get two downs and then
your best kick (i.e. ask out a new girl 'cause you ain't getting
further with this one).
- Americans are more patient, they
get three downs before they should kick again.
- Running the Ball ....... Taking it
one yard at a time
- Passing Play ............ Skipping
stages
- Punting .................... Giving
up on this one and asking another one out.
UH OH....
| OOPS |
DEFINITION |
| Fumble |
Impotence |
| Fumble Recovery |
Regain erection |
| Interception |
Homosexuality (YOU'RE GOING THE OTHER WAY!!) |
OTHER DEFINITIONS
| WORD |
DEDINITION |
| Turnover |
Anal sex |
| Field Goal |
One of you orgasms, 3 points (field goal range begins around
the 30, when the clothes are off) |
| Touchdown |
Mutual orgasm, 6 points |
| Extra Point |
The smoke afterwards |
| Two Point Conversion |
Smoke and a phone number |
| High Scoring Game |
Multiple orgasms |
| Rain Delay |
Parents/Roommate comes home |
| PileUp |
ORGY |
| Missed Field Goal |
Wide right, wide left, or even worse.... too short! |
| 3RD Down and Inches |
Call for a measurement (move those yardsticks) |
THE OFFENSE
| OFFENSE |
DESCRIPTION |
| Quarterback |
Most important position, the missionary |
| Quarterback Sneak |
Unusual positions |
| Center |
Doggie style |
| Running Back |
A hand-off |
| Tight End |
Self-explanatory |
| Wide Receiver |
Opposite of Tight End |
| Nose Tackle |
(Use your imagination) |
DEFENSE (Becoming more and more important these days)
| DEFENSE |
DESCRIPTION |
| Defensive Line |
Condom |
| Break in the Defense |
Condom breaks |
| The Safety |
The Pill (just to be safe) |
| A Blitz. |
A "quickie" |
PENALTIES
| PENALTY |
DESCRIPTION |
| Roughing |
S & M |
| Holding |
Handcuffs or Restraints |
| Offside |
Premature Ejaculation |
THE BOWLS
| BOWL |
DESCRIPTION |
| Rose Bowl |
Romantic sex (MAKING LOVE) |
| Citrus Bowl |
Healthy or Safe Sex |
| Peach Bowl |
Juicy/Wet Sex |
| Fiesta Bowl |
Sex in South America |
| Super Bowl |
Marriage (The Big Dance) |
SO NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE
FIELD AND ALL THE DEFINITIONS, YOU NEED TO
KNOW HOW TO USE THEM. HERE
ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF HOW USEFUL THE ORIGINAL
HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL REALLY
IS.
- 1. There was an on-side kick to what
I thought was a wide receiver, but it turned out to be a tight end
so there was a punt.
-
- 2. There was a deep kickoff with
no return. I ran the ball to midfield but then decided to go to
the passing game. The passing play didn't work because of a fumble.
On the next down a running back took it to their 10-yard line. With
1st and goal, the action moved from the center to the quarterback
who did a quarterback sneak. The game turned out to be the highest-scoring
Fiesta Bowl ever!!!
-
- 3. I was roughed in the massive pileup.
-
- 4. It was third down and inches on
the 20-yard line but on the field goal attempt I was short.
I HOPE YOU HAVE ENJOYED OUR
JOURNEY THROUGH THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK
OF FOOTBALL. HOPEFULLY YOU
HAVE NOT ONLY HAD A CHUCKLE BUT WILL PASS
IT ON TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS
YOU KNOW SO THAT ONE DAY THE ORIGINAL
HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL WILL
REPLACE THE OLD, OUTDATED, INEFFICIENT,
NO-LONGER-FUNNY STANDARD
GUIDE TO THE BASES.
Mark and Sharon decide they
don't want to discuss sex in front of their 4 and 6 year old children,
so they decide to talk in code. One day Mark is feeling a little bit
turned on and says to little Katie, "Tell your mother I would really
like to type a letter."
Katie runs off to find her
mom. " Mommy, mommy", shouts Katie, "Daddy would like to type a letter."
Sharon replies slightly sheepishly, "Katie, go and tell your daddy that
he can't type a letter today as there is a "red ribbon" in the typewriter."
Katie ran off to her father and says, "Daddy, daddy, mommy says you
can't type a letter today as there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
A few days later Sharon remembers
Mark's request and she called Katie, "Katie, tell your daddy that he
can type that letter today." Katie went off to look for her father and
told him, "Daddy, mommy says you can type the letter today." "That's
OK, Katie", Mark says, "You can tell your mother that I don't need the
typewriter any more, I wrote the letter by hand."
These two cavemen are standing
on a ridge overlooking a valley. The are watching another caveman drag
a woman into his cave. The first caveman turns to the other and say,"
I don't get it. I, Oog, invent fire. You, Grok, invent wheel. So how
come Dildo get all the girls?"
A Priest and a Rabbi
A Priest and a Rabbi are
riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and
asks "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The Rabbi responds "Yes that is still one of our beliefs." The Priest
then asks "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the Rabbi replies "Yes
on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork." The Priest
nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while
later, he Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still
a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The Priest
replied "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The
Rabbi then asked him "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations
of the flesh?" The Priest replied "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion
I was weak and broke with my faith." The Rabbi nodded understandingly
for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork isn't it?"
Husband: I don't know why
you wear a bra - you've nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear underpants,
don't you?
One sperm says to the other
sperm, "How far is it to the ovary?" The other sperm says, "Relax. We
haven't even passed the tonsils yet."
"Tickle-Me-Elmo"
A very modest lady applied
for a job at the factory where they made the "Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls."
It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her
to report for work on Monday and then explained she would be stationed
on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.
Monday they started up the
line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker
couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The
new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch
of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little
cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.
When the boss could control his laughter he said, "Lady, I said to give
each doll two test-tickles."
A couple's in a car accident,
and the wife gets hurt really bad. For ten years she's in a coma, never
speaks or moves. Then one day a nurse is giving her a sponge bath, and
as the sponge rubs across the wife's pussy, she moans. The nurse gets
the doctor, the doctor tries it, and she moans again, so the doctor
calls the husband to the hospital. The doctor says, "We have a
breakthrough. I think a little oral sex might snap her out of it. You
go into her room, and we'll monitor her from out here in the hall. "The
husband goes into his wife's room, and the doctor and the nurse watch
her heart monitor go "bleep...bleep..."...and then flatline. They
run into the room as the husband is pulling up his pants. The doctor
says, "What the hell happened?" The husband says, "I guess
she choked on the thing."
There's a drunk at one end
of a bar, and a woman in a tight low-cut black dress at the other end
of the bar.The woman is waving feverishly for the bartender, and she
has an incredibly hairy armpit. The drunk yells out, "Give me a drink,
and give a drink to the ballerina at the other end. "The bartender says,
"How do you know she's a ballerina? "The drunk says, "Who else could
get her leg up that high?"
Harry goes into a bar and
says to his friend, "How's your wife?" His friend says, "Fuck her. I
threw her out of the house three weeks ago after I came home from work
early one day and found her on the living room floor giving my best
friend a blow job. "Harry says, "Jesus Christ...what did you do to your
best friend?" His friend says, "I locked him in his kennel for a week
with no food."
NEWS FLASH!!!!!!
Bank Robbery Some blond,
Polish Gangsters decide to rob a bank. They think of the best plan that
can be made and start to work. A day or two later they are able
to get into the bank. There are hundreds of safes. They open the first
safe and the only thing they find in there is a vanialla pudding. The
Head Gangster says "OK! At least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding.
They open up the second safe and there sits another pudding. So they
devour it too. This process goes on for the rest of the day until all
the safes were opened. There was no money nor jewelry. "Well," they
say, "at least there was something for us to eat". The Next day, on
the news they hear: "Yesterday the biggest sperm bank in the USA was
robbed by an unknown group of people".
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon
were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting. The Jew,
bragging on his virility, said,"I have four sons. One more and I'll
have a basketball team." The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment,
stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have10 sons, one more and I'll have
a football team." To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't
got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
Did you ever stop to wonder
what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis?
-Mypenis ate my homework.
- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing
at the mouth!
- Sorry I'm late. I was playing
with Mypenis.
- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't
realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
- Mypenis doesn't come when
I call it.
- Mypenis likes to crawl
between the legs of guests.
- I love giving Mypenis a
bath.
- At night, I sleep with
Mypenis in my hands.
- Mypenis likes it when people
pet him.
- Mypenis needs to get more
exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.
- Playing with Mypenis really
wears me out.
- Would you like to see a
picture of Mypenis?
- Sometimes I wake up, and
Mypenis is already active.
- I think Mypenis has a mind
of its own.
- I keep a picture of Mypenis
in my wallet.
- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis
points me in the right direction.
- I think Mypenis is getting
old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
- Mypenis got out last night.
I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
- If Mypenis was a weinerdog,
he would be long and hairy and hard to carry.
- Mypenis loves to chase
pussies in dark alleys.
- Help! I can't find Mypenis!
- Sorry to be driving so
slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
- Mypenis gets excited whenever
the mailman comes.
- Sorry to be driving so
fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
- Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!
- Watch it or you'll step
on Mypenis.
- When Mypenis behaves well,
he gets a bone.
- Stop kicking Mypenis.
- When riding in the car,
Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown.
- Mypenis is truly man's
best friend.
- Beware of Mypenis. He's
carrying a disease.
- People say Mypenis looks
cute lying down, but even better when standing at attention.
- Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer.
- There's nothing like a
well-trained bitch for Mypenis.
- I've trained Mypenis to
jump through hoops.
- Mypenis always searches
for an open hand under the dinner table.
- Excuse me - I need a muzzle
for Mypenis.
- Sorry I'm late, but Mypenis
kept me up howling all night...
The Penis Tax....
The only thing the I.R.S.
has not taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that 40%
of the time it's hanging around unemployed.
20% of the time it's pissed
off,
30% of the time it's hard
up,
10% of the time it is in
the hole.
On top of all this, it has
two dependants and they are both nuts. Accordingly, starting
January 1, 1998, penises will be taxed according to size!!
To determine the category,
please consult the chart below and confirm this information of
Page 2, Section 7, Line 3, of the standard 1040P form.
10 to 12 Inches* Luxury Tax
$50.00
8 to 10 inches Pole Tax $30.00
6 to 8 inches Privilege Tax
$15.00
4 to 6 inches Nuisance Tax
$ 5.00
PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under
4 inches is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN
EXTENSION!!!
* Males exceeding 12 inches
must file Capital Gains.
Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service
