This is where I put up all those things that may contain interesting or useless information.  Some of the stuff here may be true and you might even learn something.  I put the newest info on the last page.

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Things I've Learned From My Children

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO STRESSED IF...

Bathroom Grafitti

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
-Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
-Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

If you can piss this high, join the fire department.
-On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet.
- O'Ryan's Irish Pub. Ashland, Oregon.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
-Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
-Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza. Washington, D.C.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
-Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
-The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
-The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
-Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
-Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
-Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
-Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war. --Hell, do both, get married!
-Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God
-The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
-Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
-Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
-Men's restroom, American University. Washington, D.C.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
-Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

BEFORE I CAME TO COLLEGE I WISH I HAD KNOWN...

I've Learned...

Things we learn from our dogs...

Aging

A Few Words about Mailing Lists

Now that you've created postcards, whom are you going to send them to? Mailing lists for most organizations can be divided into 3 categories-customers, prospects and suspects.

-Customers--whether they are your clients, students, parishioners or citizens, these are the people most interested in your offers or new developments. As they used to say about voting in Chicago--contact them "early and often".

Prospects--people who you feel care about what you are doing. Perhaps they have inquired in the past or were a customer or are alumni.

Suspects--people who you feel that for some reason would be interested in you and your products or services. You will probably find, as I have, that you'll get your best response from your customer list, then prospects and finally suspects. Customer and prospect lists must be built from your records. But how do you find "suspects"? Probably the most popular way is by renting mailing lists.

Rented lists are generally divided into two categories--compiled and responder. Compiled lists are assembled from publicly available sources such as phone directories. Responder lists are usually made available from other marketers who sell the names of their customers. Responder lists almost always work better but are more expensive and require that the list owner approve your mailing piece. Compiled lists are easy to get and usually can be mailed to as many times as you would like. A good example of a compiled list is a list of residents in a town or all the restaurants in Massachusetts. Responder lists include subscribers to Popular Science Magazine or customers of Victoria's Secret.

Most lists offer "selects" which are breakdowns that sell for a premium. An example on a compiled list would be to get only restaurants of a certain size. For a responder list, a select might include all those who have purchased from the list holder in the past 6 months. Pricing for compiled lists can range from $40-80 per thousand names. Prices for responder names usually start in the $80-90 per thousand and go upward.

Mailing lists are usually purchased through brokers (see accompanying guide for names). Most lists are available on disk, Cheshire (machine applied) labels, pressure sensitive labels (for small hand-applied runs) and magnetic tape for large runs.

Testing first is recommended. If a postcard mailed to a random sample of a list draws a certain level of response, a mailing to the entire list should draw approximately the same level of response. Larger mailings are generally "rolled out" meaning mailed to in larger and larger groups. For example, if you are doing a mailing to the 600,000 doctors in the United States, you might want to mail first to 3000 to see if your postcard will attract the response necessary to make your efforts worthwhile. Then mail to 25,000 more and continue mailing in increments of 50-100M as your campaign develops.

One of the benefits of "suspect" mailings is that they not only increase your list of customers but your lists of prospects too. You will find that each subsequent mailing to prospects draws a certain percentage into your customer column. As you track results, you will find that your mailings to prospects are subject to the law of diminishing returns with a bit less response each time. However some marketers have found that they must put their names in front of prospects many times before they convince them to buy.

Finally, be creative. I used to work for one of the gurus of direct marketing, John Yeck, in Dayton, Ohio. One day a travel promoter who had developed a one-of-a-kind (and very expensive) adventure trip came to Yeck with the idea which he had not been able to promote. Yeck suggested that he rent a list of every person in the United States who owned a yacht over 50 feet long and do a mailing to them. He did and the trip was oversubscribed. There are tens of thousands of lists available. Look them over to see which one is best for you.

A Job Worse Than Yours

The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a Cal pharmacologist developed a suppository.  The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame. Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract  Calle with treats and one person who wears full-arm glove to "deliver" the medicine.   FIVE people have jobs worse than yours!   Now stop bitching and get back to work.

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to  expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze; Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time since he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging  hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, vehicles, or telephones.

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She looks like she came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hod/egge/yuppie/political doulespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy andwants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move  the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,

Robert W.

Editors note: Robert later notified us: "Rats, they allowed the deductions instead of taking the kids!"

Taken from actual news articles.

LOS ANGELES, CA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza, was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing."  The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion."He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there."

_____

BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter,lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was in a Styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis." Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from its being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr.Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this."

Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize the dog.

Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles.

Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on,looking for references to one's own name.

Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.

CLM (Career-Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a big mistake.

SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed out and whiny.

Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a vacation from  their jobs-"We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."

Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

World Wide Wait - The real meaning of WWW.

CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Dorito Syndrome - Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."

Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an on-line service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."

Glazing - Corporate speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"

Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."

Graybar Land - The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."

Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute.

Squirt The Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready... what time do we squirt the bird?"

Brain Fart - A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.

Cobweb Site - A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page.

It's a Feature - From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.

Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found oncomputer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This onehasa bad case of keyboard plaque."

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.

Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstreamonly to get screwed in the end.

Chainsaw consultant - an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located-"Don't bother asking him, he's 404."

Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity-Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993.

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (BOOK). The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: No wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover! Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works. Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now BOOKs with more information simply use more pages. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various anufacturers. Conversely, numerous bookmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (Pencils). Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

Dishwashing liquid takes grease out of traffic's way

May 5, 1998

Web posted at: 11:25 p.m. EDT (0325 GMT)

CINCINNATI (AP) -- They shoveled. They scrubbed. They used sand and delivered blasts from high-pressure water hoses. They even tried solvents.  But it wasn't until highway crews used Dawn dishwashing liquid that they were able to remove a 6,700-gallon spill of animal fat that had kept a stretch of interstate highway closed for 3 1/2 days.  Procter & Gamble Co., maker of Dawn, donated 3 1/2 tons of the dishwashing liquid -- $12,000 worth at retail prices -- to clean up the five-acre mess over the weekend. The spill happened when a tanker truck overturned during morning rush-hour traffic Thursday on Interstate 74. The cargo of animal fat -- bound for a Cincinnati plant to be included in fabric softeners -- spilled from the heated tanker. It flowed into the highway's grooves and pores, then cooled and congealed.  Firefighters, police, environmental consultants, regulators and a host of companies offering cleanup products joined the round-the-clock effort to clean the highway. It ended when the highway -- now a low-fat artery -- passed skid tests.  Tom Klug, a state  Transportation Department supervisor who oversaw the cleanup, said the cost could approach $500,000. It will be billed to Paul Marcotte Farms Inc. of Momence, Illinois, operator of the truck. The driver was hospitalized for a day and charged with failure to control his truck.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple; English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France.

* Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

* We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find...that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

* And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?

* If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

* One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese?

* One index, two indices?

* Is cheese the plural of choose?

* If teachers taught, why don't preachers praught?

* If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

* In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

* Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship?

* Have noses that run and feet that smell?

* Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

* How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

* How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

* When a house burns up, it burns down.

* You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

* When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

* And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Confuscious say:

"man who run in front of car get tired"

"man who run behind car get exhausted"

"man with one hand in pocket not neccessarily jingling change"

"To prevent hangover stay drunk!"

"Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly."

"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."

"Man who walk thru airport turnstyle sideways going to BANGkok."

"Man with one chopstick go hungry."

"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."

"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."

"Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!"

"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."

"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."

"Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."

"If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people."

"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"

"Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."

"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"

"Man who sit on tack get point!"

"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"

"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"

"People who make Confucious joke speak bad English."

"He who fishes in other man's well often......"

The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers.

Anagrams

An Anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite astounding!

Dormitory == Dirty Room

Evangelist == Evil's Agent

Desperation == A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code == Here Come Dots

Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity == Is No Amity

Mother-in-law == Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness == Genuine Class

Semolina == Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one

Contradiction == Accord not in it

The Year's Best Headlines are . . .